Looking to gauge the temperature within
the Arrowhawks organization? This is the place to
do it.
Bryce picking up steam?
Rumor is Bryce Griffith is tired of little
‘big’ brother Kevin getting all the love from the Arrowhawk
fans. So much so he’s switched his pre-game routine to include a
new yoga regiment. It appears to be working. In his first game back
Bryce was electric on the ice, netting a goal and making countless
tape-to-tape passes.
What ticket scandle?
Local authorities might be investigating a scandle
involving tickets to next Friday’s championship game against the
Blades. Apparently Jeff Augenstein’s wife is very close to making
a significant bonus that would allow the team to acquire a BMW 900MR
tourbus 7000 as the official vehicle of the Arrowhawks. Mrs. Augenstein
has been rumored to be using tickets as incentive to purchase or lease
a new bimmer.
Foucher sighting
Longtime Arrowhawk and overall great guy Henri
‘I’m not French Damnit!’Foucher was in attendance for
the Hawks semi-final game against the Dirty Dozen. “That is one
great guy,” said Rick Titus. “Henri is a great defensman, a
lousy golfer and one heck of a beer drinker. If I could be half the man
he is I’d do pretty good.”
Torsok goes under the knife
3rd line winger Jason 'I'll crush your bones like
a twig' Torsok has gone under the knife. Not for a hockey-related
injury, but to remove a small gnome figurine lodged in his ear since
childhood. "I was having problems hearing Billy on the bench with
my left ear. X-rays indicated something was there so we took it
out," said Torsok. Team doctor's gave the affectionately named
gnome Mr. Blippy back to Torsok for safer keeping. "Now I can
sleep knowing Mr. Blippy is safely back in his case."
Carpenter on assignment
Chris 'Heavens!' Carpenter has been optioned to
the South African Sand Flies for their post-season tournament. The
Flies are currently tied for the lead league with the Hibdijua Fatsos,
comprised of chubby local tribesman not coordinated enough to run long
distances. The Fatsos are the arch rival of the Flies and Carpenter is
sure he'll make the difference. "They're fat and I'm not. That's
all I need to say," chimed a 30 hour travel-weary Carpenter.
Kevin ‘Curly’ Griffith unstoppable
Griff exhibited crazy skill in the offensive zone.
How offensive? Try 5 points. 2 goals, 3 assists and countless back
checks and face off wins. How good was he? “Dude was on another
planet tonight,” chimed an impressed Tom Morgan. “Those
crazed business-challenged chimps from the Careerbuilder.com website
could have scored from his passes. He was on fire,” added the
Captain.
Torsok miffed over nickname
AH.com has learned that there could be trouble in
the AH locker room. Jason ‘Hefty’ Torsok isn’t happy
over his nickname. Torsok recently attended a Wiggles concert and had
this to say, “Luckily, I’m feeling pretty good right now. I
got my daily dose of wiggles so I’ll be nice. Let’s just
say the Hefty Glad Bag reference implying that I get garbage goals is
being misconstrued. Just the other night a chick at the bar implied I
was overweight. I think it’s time for a new nickname.”
No official word from AH brass, but team spokesman
Rick Titus had reminded us “I have no idea how to do a web poll,
otherwise we’d have ourselves a little nickname voting contest.
Until then, I encourage our wonderful 2 fans to chime in for a more
appropriate nickname. Torsok is a warrior on the ice. Our fans should
remember that.”
Titus still sucks at scoring
AH.com has learned that Rick Titus couldn’t
score a goal if he was skating against a pee-wee team of marijana
latent umpah-umpah’s (charlie and the chocolate factory). Team
officials haven’t yet figured how his presence helps the team,
outside of the occasional funny joke directed towards Bill Miller.
Jensen not discouraged
Management feared Jason Jensen might be a bit
discouraged after giving up 3 goals in Friday’s Leaf game. Not
so, says Jensen. “I didn’t feel it tonight. Even so,
I’ll make some adjustments for next Friday’s Blades game. I
may try wearing some of Bill’s magic deodorant that makes you
smell fresh like a flower on the ice.”
Titus scratched. Lawless ‘Flawless’ in
relief.
Rick Titus has had a slow start to the fall
session. Some fear he’s reacting negatively to Bill
Miller’s repeated attempts at nicknaming Titus
‘Tits.’ “It’s a bad nickname. Bill’s
really showing his age with this one,” said Jason Torsok. AH
doctors clarified Titus’ absence was due to an upper-respotory
infection. Good thing the Hawks have quality depth like Mac Lawless.
Mac had a goal in Friday’s game against the Leafs after he was
challenged for not wearing shoulder pads. After returning to the ice,
Lawless took the puck coast to coast for a quick goal.
Hammerin Dave Cameron takes ice for possible
return
Recently retired Dave Cameron may take the ice for
the Hawks in during next Friday’s Blades game. No word on whether
he’ll actually be needed. One thing is certain, the team seems to
like the idea. “We’ll take him.” said 3rd line
benchwarmer Rick Titus. Cameron’s status depends on whether a sub
is needed. Stay tuned!
No fear for Factor
Joe Factor was asked to play defense this week
with Kevin DeRoche on the first line. When asked, Factor has this to
say, “I’d be honored to skate with a guy that smells as
lovely as Kevin. It’s not like sharing a line with Bill. Oops.
Don’t print that ok, I don’t want Billy to have any
flashbacks.”
DeRoche a difference maker?
Kevin DeRoche’s debut was a thing of beauty
Friday against the Eskimos. He was consistent in breaking up odd-man
rushes and didn’t stink like Bill. Offensively, he reminded
everyone of the days when Dave Cameron would exclaim “DeRoche is
a man on a mission!” Nobody knew what Cameron meant, but he is
from Canada.
Walker’s secret recipe
Terry Walker has emerged into a solid defenseman
for the Arrowhawks. Rumor has it, he’s discovered some sort of
secret backwards skating formula derived from South African tree frogs.
Apparently he’s been drinking the formula while working on a
defense strategy for Pluto to regain its planetery status, because
he’s a damn good skater!
Captain Morgan moves back to LW
Top ‘Captain’ Morgan (pass the rum
please) has decided to move back to LW. Frustrated by his overall lack
of offensive rhythm, Morgan went 3rd person and exclaimed “Nobody
can cover the Captain! The Captain knows what the Captain has to do.
And he says he has to be moved 20 feet to the left.” Once
management realized he was talking about himself, they obliged.
Hall-of-Famer Cameron chimes in
“Hello Fellow Arrowhawks: Retirement
has been good however when I read this little diddy last nigh and I
quote PEI native Maclean "Columbus Blue Jackets center Sergei
Fedorov is expected to miss four to six weeks due to a shoulder injury
suffered in the second period of Tuesday night's 4-1 preseason win over
the Buffalo Sabres, club President and General Manager Doug MacLean
announced today. " well I just about lost it and drove down the
QEW to Buffalo to hit the little hack that hit Serg. Well I am
positioning myself to head back to Ohio the first week of October and
will bring my sticks and hockey bag if Coach and GM Dave M. can sneak
me onto the roster. In line with Lafleur, Lemeuix, Howe and many
other hockey hacks who can't give up the game Cameron is considering a
one game return to play with his beloved Arrowhawks. Given that I
sold my jersey and socks to one of the Griffin bros. (no relation to
that singing Osmond troupe) I may be in a borrowing mood and will glady
bye the beers afterwards eh!”
Jensen logs 2nd shutout in as many games
2006 Fall netminder Jason Jensen is on a tear. For
the second consecutive game, Jensen displayed cat-like reflexes making
18 stops and preserving his second straight shutout of the session.
“They weren’t all routine saves,” said a suddenly
rejuvinated Gooch Gauthier. “We gave up some odd-man rushes to
keep him in the game so he wouldn’t get lazy back there. We
deserve credit.”
Monahan a budding author?
Mark ‘The Plan’ Monahan may have a
second career if his semi-almost-kinda-pro hockey career never brings
in the dough. He’s a heck of a writer. While AH.com’s
Arrowhawk beat writer was off trying to win the 8th grade spelling-B
contest in Charlotte, N.C. (he finished 15th place out of 18
participants), Monahan penned a terrific game report.
Sponsors pleased with early performance
Rumor has it team sponsors are pleased with the
Hawks early performance. Specifically the defensive continuity between
Flawless Mac Lawless and Terry Walker. Chris Carpenter has been an
early 2-way surprise and his linemate, 4 year veteran, Gooch Gauthier
has been “lovely,” says inside sources.
No new news on Cameron
Hammerin’ Dave Cameron has moved to Canada.
No new news, but AH.com is efforting some info. Stay tuned.
Tom ‘Captain’ Morgan out
What began as a rumor is no longer. First line
winger, Tom ‘Captain’ Morgan, won’t be skating with
the Hawks in the session opener. He’s been kidnapped by a swarm
of rabid Buckeye fans and is off to Austin Texas. Team officials
aren’t sure what he’ll be doing there but they suspect
there might be a football game or something. News has been slow out of
Austin all week. Morgan is expected to return to the active roster for
the 09/15 game. No word whether he’ll retain his starting
position.
