Zebras make great lion food

Hawks play entire game short-handed, almost.

ARENA DISTRICT – Sometimes the good guy gets knocked on his ass. Sometimes the good guy is tripped by an overweight zebra only to get devoured by the mean alligator. But what happens when the good guy is really a rec-hockey team trying its best to defend a $15 tee-shirt?

Middle-aged men get pissed. That’s what happens.

So goes the Hawks Dirty Dozen game Friday night. “We got hosed,” said a bewildered Mike ‘Continental Drift’ Gauthier. “13 penalties against, 3 for? Please.”

Penalties played a significant role in the 3-2 Arrowhawk loss. The Dirty Dozen, a past-nemesis for the Hawks, continued to get under the Hawks skin. Only they didn’t play dirty, said Hawk GM Rick Titus. “There’s one-sided and then there’s kiss-ass cowardice.”

Regardless of the penalties, a game had to be played. The game was controlled early by the Dozen, but Jason Jensen closed every door and locked it with a key, alarm and a dozen guard dogs. “Dude was sick,” said a sober and really tall Mac Lawless.

The first period ended scoreless with Jensen standing on his head and the Dozen’s goaltender glad the Hawks couldn’t hit a barn broadside. “We missed several open-nets,” said Lawless. “If we were throwing darts, we’d have missed the entire wall.”

Oleg ‘I’m the token Russian’ was stellar again on the third line. He continually controlled the puck in the neutral and offensive zones and caused havoc on both sides of the blueline. “We hated the movie Red Dawn,” said John Kenyon. “Patrick Swazey is overrated,” Kenyon boasted. Chris Carpenter demonstrated his diversity, playing forward on the first line and getting tossed regularly to the sin bin. Carp had 3 penalties on the night, but he didn’t mean any of them. Terry Watkins played a heady game, anchoring the offensive blue-line on many occasions. Mac Lawless was long on the poke-check and contributed heavily in the offensive zone as well. Mark Monahan did his usual thing - skating, playing is position and setting up his teammates - he even stepped in when tempers flared late in the game. His leadership is contagious. Tom Morgan has been great all session. No different tonight. When it mattered, he stood tall. No points, but you can tell this guy is a powder keg waiting to explode. Monahan holds the fuse. Watch out other-guys, it’s gonna get messy. Jeff Augenstien hustled his butt off tonight, but it didn’t matter since the zebras decided 1-less butt would be present for the Hawks - all game long. “Nice high stick!” Titus screamed. How about Kevin DesRoches? Back after a 2-week layoff for tax-evasion, Kevin busted out the whooping stick, netting a third-period even-strength goal at the 5:30 mark. His goal kept the Hawks in the game, trailing 3-2. Griffith assisted beautifully on the goal.

In all, the Hawks skated two thirds of the game with a guy picking his nose in the sin-bin for no apparent reason. “You know, the Dozen are a very good team and should be commended,” said Jeff Augenstien. “But, they shouldn’t have the game handed to them like a rich 14 year-old wannabe future prom queen.”

For the record, #86 is a damn good player. But the Hawks are a few hemroids away from dousing the fire.

MORE NEWS...